As I Want You to Be
by Liete
Summary: -UK/US/UK, delinquent AU- 'He'll never really give up on trying to bring some semblance of a normal teenage relationship into his and Arthur's lives.'
1. Alfred's POV

**As I Want You to Be  
**

**By: Liete**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia or any of the characters portrayed.**

**A/N: This is a sequel to "As You Are" and it will be a two part fic!  
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The ceiling of the gymnasium seems even higher than usual. Something far away he can't possibly reach. Alfred starts to wonder if it's the ceiling he's really thinking of, or something else in his life.

Movement above him ceases his reverie; Arthur is pressing kisses up Alfred's chest that make the younger teen shiver and squirm in anticipation of what's to come. Alfred lifts his head to meet Arthur's gaze. His green eyes are dark with lust, apparently he hadn't been satisfied enough in the math room upstairs, and Alfred is thankful for his teenage stamina that allows him to give Arthur another round.

Alfred whines as Arthur swipes his tongue one last time over his collarbone, then pulls back and away. Alfred hears him fishing around in their discarded clothing and he pushes his head back against the mat and waits.

It had been Arthur's idea to make their way to the gymnasium, something about how amusing it would be to see the other students using those gym mats in class not knowing that he and Alfred had sex on them, and Alfred had agreed because the mats would be the most comfortable thing they'd ever had sex on. He'd been bent over a desk in the math room earlier and every other time has been in equally uncomfortable places. He's yet to sleep with Arthur in a proper bed, so he'll take the closest thing he can get.

Arthur pushes his thigh aside and Alfred furrows his brow as he feels Arthur pressing his fingers into him, stretching him again. He wonders if this part will ever stop being so unpleasant if he keeps sleeping with Arthur, even if the rest of it has gotten increasingly more pleasurable the more they do this.

Arthur smirks at him as he pushes his legs back and presses into him, immediately taking up a steady rhythm that leaves them both with ragged breath.

Alfred supposes he should consider himself lucky. He's getting more sex than any teenager would even dream of, and the raging hormones he's had since puberty are being satisfied and satisfied often. Even so, it's not the sex he looks forward to when he's with Arthur. He even prefers the days when he talks and Arthur sits in companionable silence. When Arthur kisses him, and that's all he does. But when Arthur wants sex, Alfred won't refuse him.

He wonders if he's being somewhat manipulative. As long as it means Arthur will keep being with him, keep wanting him, Alfred will do whatever he wants, including have sex he doesn't always want.

He's too in love to care that this isn't the relationship he really wants with Arthur. It's something, and that's enough.

It might just be Alfred's imagination, but Arthur seems even more frenzied than usual. His rhythm is sporadic, his usually controlled breathing erratic, his hands splaying at Alfred's sides. Alfred, feeling bold, reaches out to take one of Arthur's hands in his, threading their fingers as he does so. A perfect fit, just like he'd thought. Arthur doesn't pull his hand away, just locks his hooded gaze on Alfred. It's enough to push the younger teen over the edge, and he chokes on Arthur's name and squeezes the other's hand as he comes. He feels Arthur squeezing back as he too reaches completion.

Arthur's legs quiver and he collapses on Alfred's chest and doesn't move afterwards. Alfred's eyelids feel heavy, like he could easily fall asleep right there. He almost wants to, since Arthur isn't moving right away like he usually does and Alfred's always wanted to fall asleep with Arthur, wake up in each other's arms. But the janitor would find them there and everything would be all over, so he quells his urge to pull Arthur into his arms and thread his fingers in his damp hair. He just lies back and catches his breath.

He swears he feels Arthur nuzzling his chest, but it's so subtle and so brief that he simply dismisses it as wishful thinking. They'll have to move soon or Alfred really will fall asleep. Somewhat reluctantly he clears his throat and speaks up.

"I was thinking of going to get some dinner after this…you wanna come with me?"

Arthur will say no. Arthur always says no, but Alfred asks him time after time regardless. His brother doesn't call him a stubborn ass for nothing, and he'll never really give up on trying to bring some semblance of a normal teenage relationship into his and Arthur's lives.

"…all right," Arthur murmurs quietly after a moment and Alfred freezes.

"Really?" he asks and his heart pounds, an elated grin spreads on his face. Arthur finally pulls away from him and he nods as he sets to work cleaning and redressing himself.

"I refuse to eat one of those wretched hamburgers, however," he says placidly and Alfred nods enthusiastically as he also sits up and grabs his clothes.

"No problem! Whatever you want!" Alfred laughs in genuine happiness and although Arthur's expression doesn't change, Alfred can see that _something_ in Arthur's eyes. That same something that he sees sometimes when they kiss. Not lust or desire, but something deeper. It's what Alfred strives to see whenever he can, what gives him hope that Arthur really does care about him, too.

Arthur follows him in silence as Alfred practically skips to the nearest sandwich shop and ushers Arthur inside. His heart feels like it would fly away if it wasn't trapped in his ribcage. Arthur mumbles something about him being ridiculous and Alfred just beams at him.

He knows Arthur is troubled. A delinquent. A person he shouldn't be consorting with. He likes being with Arthur, though. Arthur doesn't tell him to shut up because he's talking too much, or expect him to be flawless and always succeed. Arthur is a respite from the expectations of his family, his friends, his teachers. Someone he can just be Alfred with. He thinks, hopes, that maybe he'll be able to help Arthur, too. Give him something to look forward to in his troubled life. Arthur doesn't talk much, but when he does, Alfred hangs on his every word, drinks up every little bit of information about him he can get. Deep down Arthur is a good person, he knows. An amazing person, in fact. Alfred heard the talk in the hallways about the quiet Brit with all the piercings who aces every test, always knows the right answers even if he isn't in class very much. Arthur probably has no idea just how amazing he is.

Alfred glances over at Arthur, whose eyes are restlessly scanning the restaurant, and clears his throat. Arthur stares listlessly at him.

"Pick out whatever you want, all right?"

Arthur nods and Alfred waits patiently for him, feeling all too happy to treat the other to a meal, like they're on a real date in a real relationship. At first Alfred is content to carry on like they usually do, Alfred talking while Arthur listens, but soon it becomes clear that things aren't anywhere near the way they usually are. Arthur's sandwich sits mostly uneaten in front of him, and he keeps fidgeting and reaching up to clutch at his pocket, as if he wants to pull out a cigarette and smoke the way he usually does when he and Alfred are together. Alfred grimaces and wonders if that's the only way Arthur can stand his company.

"Guess we better get going, huh?" he perks up as cheerfully as he can muster.

Arthur doesn't need to be told twice. He stands up and starts to leave. Alfred quickly gathers up what's left of their meal and follows. Once outside, Arthur pulls out a cigarette and he seems to calm down as he smokes. Alfred wishes he wouldn't, because it'll do nasty things to his lungs and probably make him sick. He doesn't want Arthur to be sick, he wants him to be healthy for a long, long time. But it's another thing Alfred will let Arthur indulge in as long as it means Arthur will still want to be with him.

Alfred opens his mouth to speak, but he can't find the words he seeks. He wants to say "I love you" but Arthur always stops him when he tries to say that. Maybe he doesn't want Alfred to love him, at least not yet. Alfred is still working on that.

Working on that and not doing so well in the process, it seems.

He pauses and Arthur stops walking to stare curiously at him. Alfred chews on his lip and then lifts his head to beam at Arthur.

"…sorry, Eyebrows!" he says cheerfully, but Arthur's brows furrow. Before Arthur can ask him what he means, Alfred interrupts. "See you later then!"

He jogs away from Arthur, although it's a roundabout way of getting home. If he stays, he'll probably just say things that will make things even more difficult than they already are. And here Alfred had always believed that being in love made things easier, not harder.

* * *

"Your girlfriend is quite aggressive, no?" Francis asks the following day and raises a knowing brow at Alfred.

"Huh?" Alfred replies dumbly and Francis taps his fingers over his neck. Alfred narrows his eyes at him, but then parses the meaning behind the gesture and claps his hand over his own neck. He'd forgotten about the marks Arthur had left there. He feels his face burn as he pulls his jacket collar up to cover the hickeys that Arthur had so enthusiastically given him.

"Will you be introducing us to her?" Kiku asks with genuine interest that makes Alfred feel guilty for not telling even his best friend about Arthur.

"I don't have a girlfriend," Alfred mumbles and it's not a lie. There is no girl, only Arthur, and he'd even hesitate to call Arthur his boyfriend, though that's probably the most accurate description he can think of.

"Ah, there must be _someone_ you are sneaking off with after school ends," Francis presses further and Alfred scowls at him.

"Leave me alone," he retorts and Francis holds up his hands in surrender. Alfred shoves his hands in his pockets and burrows further into his jacket as he walks to class.

It's not fair that he can't just tell everyone, especially his friends, that he's with Arthur, that he loves him. But no, he can't. They're both boys and Alfred is from a good family where Arthur isn't. Theirs is a relationship that shouldn't happen. So he won't tell them about how happy he'd been when Arthur kissed him for the first time. How he'd been afraid that his inexperience with such a thing was what made Arthur make that derisive face as he'd turned to leave. He won't tell them that he'd lost his virginity to Arthur. That it had been horrible and painful and he'd hated every second of it, but he'd still managed to get off to the sound and feel of Arthur's breath in his ear. No, he can't tell anyone anything. Not even how happy he is.

He sees Arthur at the end of a hallway as the other boy is entering one of the science rooms and Alfred stops walking. As their eyes briefly meet, Alfred feels the familiar sensation of his heart pounding in anticipation, his mouth lifting into a smile at the sight of him. Life isn't fair, not now, but Alfred will find a way to make it all right. Even if it takes a long time.

"Alfred?" a voice interrupts and Alfred turns to see one of his classmates, Mei, standing there.

"Oh, hey Mei! What's up?"

"I was wondering if tomorrow you, um…if you wanted to go see the new movie that came out with me?"

Alfred goes stiff. He's not stupid, he knows that Mei has a crush on him. It would just be stringing her along to agree to the outing with her. Besides that, Arthur will be expecting him. He has no football practice and it's Friday, so they'll have plenty of time together. Plenty of time to make up for the failed date at the sandwich shop. But it's also been a long time since he's gone out with a friend on a Friday night. He turns down request after request, unless it's on the weekend and he won't see Arthur anyway.

Mei looks as if her entire life depends on what Alfred will say next, making him feel guilty. She's a nice girl, one who deserves a lot more than what Alfred can give her. She used to like Kiku, maybe she still does, and he knows Kiku likes her, too. If only they could get together instead. But one little outing won't hurt, will it? It will make her happy and maybe convince Kiku to make a move, since his friend is too passive sometimes.

"Sure, Mei! That sounds like fun," he agrees and smiles as her eyes light up. "But are you sure Yao won't mind?"

She scowls slightly and tosses her head to the side at the mention of her self-proclaimed big brother. "Who cares what he thinks!"

Alfred laughs and Mei laughs, as well. It's a nice feeling, a normal one, but it's not what Alfred really wants.

"I'll meet you out front after school tomorrow then, all right?" he confirms and Mei nods.

"All…all right! I'll see you then, Alfred!"

She looks so giddy as she turns to leave that it's almost silly, and Alfred wonders if that's how he looks in Arthur's eyes. Silly, so easy to please when it comes to the person he cares about. He really is horribly inexperienced at this sort of thing, and it doesn't help that his first real relationship is with someone who is _very_ experienced. It's a wonder that Arthur isn't constantly exasperated with him.

Arthur is waiting on the roof after school, like always, even after the sandwich shop debacle, which renews Alfred's confidence.

"Hey, Eyebrows! Sorry to keep you waiting!" he exclaims cheerfully as he takes his usual seat at Arthur's side. Arthur just rolls his eyes and doesn't look at him. Alfred fidgets and bites his lip for a moment before he speaks up again.

"Hey, listen… I won't be able to make it tomorrow, I've got something I need to do," he says and glances out of the corner of his eye at Arthur. It's just withholding information, but a lie of omission is still a lie. Alfred half hopes that Arthur will press further and he'll have to tell the truth of what he'll really be doing.

There's an unreadable expression on Arthur's face for an instant, but then he's impassive again and shrugs. "Why are you telling me this?"

"I just thought I'd tell you, so you don't wait around for me or anything," Alfred replies, unable to hide the disappointment in his voice.

They fall silent and Arthur pulls out a fresh cigarette. Alfred knows he should probably say something, but he doesn't know what. He glances over at Arthur again, lets his eyes drift over the other boy's form. From his messy blond hair, his green eyes and all those piercing on his ears and nose down to his uniform which is haphazardly hanging off his body, making him the perfect picture of a delinquent. In Alfred's eyes, that doesn't matter.

He's bigger than Arthur, stronger than him, he knows. He could have taken control at any time. He and Arthur have had sex enough times that Alfred's fairly certain he knows what to do, as well, but it's another thing Alfred won't allow himself to do. Arthur wants to be in control, and Alfred doesn't want to push him away by overstepping boundaries.

But Alfred has the urge to kiss Arthur, and he doesn't want to wait for Arthur to initiate the contact. Before Arthur can put his cigarette back in his mouth, Alfred leans over and kisses him, just a quick peck on the lips. Arthur raises an eyebrow at him as he pulls away and smiles sheepishly. It's not enough. Alfred cups Arthur's cheek with one hand, pausing only briefly when the other boy stiffens, then leans forward and kisses him again. Arthur instantly relaxes and kisses back.

For a few moments it's merely the sweetest of lips brushing against lips, tender, like Alfred's always wanted to kiss Arthur, but then Arthur reasserts himself and pushes Alfred back, turning the kiss into something much more, with tongues and heavy panting. He reaches up to tangle his hands in Arthur's hair and pull him closer.

Eventually Arthur breaks away and he presses his face to Alfred's neck, as if making sure the marks he left are still there. Alfred shivers as Arthur licks at what he knows is a particularly pronounced mark, then feels the older boy smirk against his neck and start pressing kisses to the few spots on his neck not inflamed with Arthur's ministrations.

"Arthur," he chokes out and squirms as Arthur pulls away to look at him. It's there again, that _something_ underneath the plain as day lust in Arthur's eyes, and Alfred's heart races in something that has nothing to do with the fact that he's getting aroused. But he can't think on it anymore, because Arthur pushes him back and starts fumbling with the buttons on his shirt as he presses his face to Alfred's neck once more.

"I want you," he says hoarsely against Alfred's ear and Alfred's half-lidded eyes shoot open. It's the closest to a confession that Arthur's ever gotten, probably the closest he'll ever get, and Alfred's heart really does feel like it will fly away.

I love you, he thinks, repeats it in his head even as his thoughts start turning to mush and all he can do is cry out as Arthur takes him once more.

* * *

It might just be his imagination, but Mei looks as if she spent an extra amount of time on her appearance that day, the flower in her hair is a real one and not just the clip she usually wears. That guilty feeling makes its home in Alfred's stomach once more. She shouldn't try so hard for him, not when he can't ever return her feelings. But he works hard to be a hero, and he'll be the one to save Mei's afternoon.

"Shall we then?" he says gallantly and holds out his arm to her. She blushes slightly and takes his arm, giggling slightly at the way Alfred flourishes the gesture as he leads her away from the school. He glances somewhat anxiously at the roof, half afraid that Arthur will be up there watching him, noticing that he's leaving with Mei instead of spending time with him. No one is there, so Alfred asks Mei about her day as they walk to the theater in town.

He buys Mei's ticket and lets her pick out whatever treats she wants, each time she shyly thanks him and looks so pleased that Alfred feels more and more guilty for leading her on. He's determined to have a good time, so Mei will have a good time, as well, so he smiles what he knows is a brilliant smile at her as they enter the theater and take their seats.

Although it really is nice to do something with his friend for a change, he can't help but imagine that instead of Mei, it's Arthur sitting next to him. Maybe Alfred would reach over and take Arthur's hand in his, since now he knows that they fit together perfectly, and Arthur would grunt, but there would be the slightest hint of mirth in his expression. It would be enough to send Alfred over the moon for days. He almost does reach out to take Mei's hand, so caught up in his fantasy as he is, and then catches himself just in time. He mentally kicks himself when Mei deflates slightly in the chair next to him.

But he manages to save the outing when the movie ends and they discuss what they'd just seen, Alfred occasionally cracking a joke about Yao or Kiku that makes Mei laugh genuinely. He thinks about taking her out to dinner, but then he catches a glimpse of another person wearing their uniform out of the corner of his eye. He looks up to see Arthur standing across the street, looking so thoroughly incensed that Alfred is actually afraid. He turns back to Mei and scratches sheepishly at his head.

"I had fun, Mei! Sorry I have to leave you here, but there's something else I need to do."

She shakes her head kindly and replies, "don't worry, Alfred. I know you're busy…"

She pauses, then swiftly stands on her tiptoes and kisses Alfred's cheek before she smiles brightly and walks away with a bounce in her step. Alfred smiles after her, then feels green eyes burning into the back of his head and remembers that Arthur had just seen what happened.

He looks for traffic before he jogs across the street to where Arthur is standing, preparing himself for a hasty explanation of what he was really doing. That he still only cares about Arthur, that Mei is just a friend, but he doesn't get a chance. Arthur glares dangerously at him before he starts walking away. Alfred follows in a panic as Arthur walks down an alleyway and stops. Alfred opens his mouth to speak, but all that escapes is a yelp as Arthur grabs him and slams him against the brick of a building.

"You're _mine_, do you hear me? You belong to _me_," Arthur hisses in barely masked rage.

Something finally snaps in Alfred at that. No, he didn't fall in love with Arthur to be his _possession_, just a thing for Arthur to do whatever he wants with as he pleases. It's not right. He grabs Arthur and flips them around so he has Arthur slammed against the building. Arthur gasps at the sudden blow.

"I don't 'belong' to _anyone!_" Alfred growls and glares at Arthur. For a moment Alfred glares while Arthur stares at him with wide eyes, and then Alfred realizes what he'd just done and releases his hold on the other boy. He'd just done the worst possible thing he could ever do, and Arthur's going to hate him, never want to be with him ever again.

"Oh…oh god, Arthur, I'm sorry-!" he stammers and turns to leave before he can screw things up anymore than he already has. He catches the slightest glimpse of what might be panic in Arthur's eyes before he's pulled back by Arthur into a kiss. Alfred makes a strangled noise of surprise, but Arthur is determined to hold onto him. He pulls Alfred against him so he has Arthur pinned against the building. Alfred breaks away and stares in shock at Arthur, who just breathes heavily and stares back with half-lidded eyes. Alfred swallows and leans forward to kiss Arthur again.

Arthur's letting him control the kiss, he realizes, so he keeps it soft like he wants, gentle and loving. He cradles Arthur's face and Arthur follows his lead. He keeps kissing Arthur like that until suddenly he's painfully aware of what a clumsy, inexperienced kisser he is and he pulls away, ready to let Arthur take back control.

"Alfred…" Arthur breathes out as Alfred breaks away and the younger boy instantly freezes. Arthur has never said his name before. It's always Jones or maybe a grunt that indicates he wants Alfred to pay attention. Alfred swallows the lump that's suddenly found its way to his throat and he kisses Arthur again, this time with more vigor.

He feels Arthur fumbling with his own pants and Alfred is relieved, it means that things will stay the same. He'll let Arthur do whatever he wants, even if it's sex against a building in a dirty alleyway.

But something isn't right. Arthur reaches into his jacket for the small tube of lubricant, but instead of preparing Alfred, he pushes his fingers up into himself, hissing a little at the intrusion.

"What are you doing?" Alfred asks in shock, but Arthur responds by pulling him back into a kiss. Alfred shivers as Arthur's fingers reach into his pants and he's slipping on the condom and then slicking him up and Alfred's head starts swimming and he breaks the kiss again.

Arthur stares at him with dark eyes and pulls him even closer. The angle is awkward, up against the building with their pants pooling around their ankles, but Arthur hoists himself up slightly and bends his knees. He guides Alfred forward and pushes himself down at the same time.

It feels good, it feels so very good, but Alfred really has no idea what he's doing, regardless of what he may have thought before. But Arthur guides him along, still taking the initiative even though he's not the one on top. Alfred lets Arthur lead until he finds his own clumsy, uneven rhythm, while trying to keep it gentle at the same time. He notes that Arthur's head keeps impacting with the building, so he reaches up his hand behind Arthur's head to cradle it from any further harm. He keeps his eyes locked on Arthur's the whole time, trying to convey without words everything he feels.

He could love Arthur like this, he could make him happy. If only Arthur would let him.

"Alfred," Arthur gasps again and it's enough to push Alfred over the edge. So embarrassingly short-lived. Arthur trembles against him almost immediately after, however, and Alfred is quick to catch Arthur in his arms before the other boy can slump to the ground.

He pants against Arthur's shoulder as he holds him, both trying to catch their breath, and he feels that now is the most appropriate time to say what he's been wanting to tell Arthur for the longest time.

"Arthur, I lo-" he starts, but once again Arthur quickly whips his head around to kiss Alfred, stopping him from saying it once more. Just like always. This time, however, Alfred pulls his head away and locks his eyes with Arthur's.

"I love you, Arthur," he says firmly and stares very sincerely at the other boy.

It's almost as if Alfred can hear glass shattering somewhere, because Arthur's eyes widen in an expression that can only be described as horror and then he violently thrashes his way out of Alfred's embrace. He pulls up his underwear and pants and nearly trips as he runs out of the alleyway. Alfred watches dumbstruck for an instant before he comes to himself and tries to follow suit.

"Arthur!" he calls after the boy, but Arthur is already a good distance away by the time Alfred has his pants up. Alfred slumps against the building, sliding down until he's sitting against it. It hurts. The pain of rejection, knowing that he's screwed up the most important thing in his life. It hurts. He has a feeling that there won't be fixing things this time either.

* * *

It's hard to pretend that everything is okay when he goes back to school on Monday. He'd spent most of the weekend in his room until his brother had dragged him out and insisted on some street hockey. He's still stubborn and determined, however, and he manages to focus on his schoolwork, manages to smile and laugh with his friends. He can't let his grades slip, because then people will start to notice, and he doesn't want to have to explain what's going on.

He goes to the roof day after day, and Arthur is never there. He goes to the park, the fast food restaurant where he works in the summer, other places he goes with Arthur, but there's never any sign of the boy. He asks people who he knows are Arthur's classmates, but they confirm that he's not even hanging around the school at all.

Arthur's vanished completely and it's all Alfred's fault.

He knew perfectly well that Arthur didn't want him to say "I love you" and now Alfred knows why. Alfred is in love, but Arthur wasn't. He might have eventually come to love him, but Alfred was too impatient. Now he doesn't even have Arthur in his life at all, even as just someone he has a lot of sex with. It's better to have something than nothing at all, isn't it?

Life has to go on, though.

Alfred eventually gives up looking for Arthur and tries his best to ease back into the life he'd lived before Arthur had entered it. He gently turns Mei down when she asks him out again, but this time he sets her up with Kiku. They're happy together, just as Alfred thought they would be. He takes up extra volunteer work to occupy his time after school that he used to spend with Arthur, because it occupies his mind, as well. He goes out with his friends more often, spends time playing sports with his brother. He finds ways to make life go on like usual.

It never really stops hurting, though. He supposes it never really will. Even if he falls in love again in the future, he'll never forget what he lost with Arthur.

It's one day when Alfred is heading to the library to study for an upcoming test that he sees the figure approaching him. He pauses in shock as the person gets nearer.

His clothes are the same dark ones he'd been wearing when they'd first met, though even more tattered than before. The circles around his eyes are dark and heavy, his green eyes dull and distant, he looks even thinner than before, haggard and weary. But even despite all that he's still wonderfully, beautifully…

"Arthur!" Alfred cries out as he runs to meet the other teen.


	2. Arthur's POV

**As I Want You to Be  
**

**By: Liete**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia or any of the characters portrayed.**

**A/N: General warning for possibly offensive material here.  
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He'll never be able to get enough of Alfred. Every little thing about him still drives Arthur mad with desire. The way he looks, the way he feels, the way he tastes, the way he sounds, everything will never get old. Even when he finally leaves Alfred, when this thing they have is no longer interesting to him, he'll always want him.

He kisses his way up Alfred's chest and grins to himself when the younger boy shivers and squirms beneath him. Alfred looks up at him and Arthur sees that ever present hesitation in Alfred's eyes, clouded slightly by lust. He leans down to lick at Alfred's collarbone, eliciting a whine from the boy and then he pulls away to retrieve his discarded jacket. He digs around in the pockets for the lube and another condom, both of which he always carries with him.

Gilbert had called him the king of perverts for it, but Arthur never cared. It's better to be prepared than to wind up getting some stupid girl pregnant had been his initial rationale for always having a condom on his person, now it's simply habit. He's not with anyone but Alfred, but it's better not to spread the cocktail of diseases he's probably contracted to that boy.

He slicks up his fingers and pushes Alfred's thigh to the side as he presses his fingers into Alfred, stretching him again even though he'd already bent the boy over a desk upstairs. He smirks down at Alfred, whose brows are still furrowed, and pushes into him, taking up an easy rhythm.

Coming down to the gymnasium was really a good idea, he thinks. It's much more comfortable on these mats, and he'll get to taint someone's sacred ground in the process. How would those students feel knowing that these mats where they practice their gymnastics or homoerotic wrestling is where he fucked their beloved golden boy?

Alfred is driving him even crazier than usual and Arthur starts to lose control slightly, his breathing ragged, his rhythm turning sporadic. He bends over Alfred and splays his fingers on either side of the boy. He starts slightly when he feels another hand taking his, meshing their fingers together, and he looks from his hand intertwined with Alfred's to the boy himself. Alfred comes immediately, squeezing Arthur's hand and then Arthur gasps his release, as well, squeezing Alfred's hand in return.

He collapses against Alfred's chest after and then he doesn't want to move. He listens to Alfred's rapid heartbeat slowly return to a normal pace and thinks he could easily fall asleep right where he is, he's so comfortable.

Arthur turns his nose against Alfred's chest and drags it lightly there before he catches himself in the act. Since when has he become so sentimental as to nuzzle Alfred's chest? He continues to mentally chastise himself, but he still doesn't move.

"I was thinking of going to get some dinner after this…you wanna come with me?" Alfred perks up, sounding so very hopeful like always. Why such a foolish thing matters so much to the boy is beyond Arthur, but he had told himself that he would say yes this time.

"…all right," he finally replies and he can feel Alfred's heart begin to race again.

"Really?" Alfred asks, and he sounds so ridiculously happy that Arthur finally has to pull away. He nods and sets to work cleaning himself up and putting on his clothes.

"I refuse to eat one of those wretched hamburgers, however," he says placidly, and out of the corner of his eye he can see Alfred grinning like an idiot and nodding as he grabs his clothes.

"No problem! Whatever you want!" Alfred laughs and looks so damned happy that Arthur almost has to feel a little happy himself. Almost.

He follows Alfred in silence while the boy near bounces ahead of him and leads him to a sandwich shop, where he ushers him inside.

"Ridiculous boy," Arthur mumbles quietly, but Alfred just beams in reply.

Once inside, he looks restlessly around the restaurant, feels several pairs of eyes scrutinizing the pair that just walked in. Scrutinizing _him_. Alfred clears his throat and Arthur stares blankly at him.

"Pick out whatever you want, all right?" Alfred asks and Arthur nods, walking ahead to the counter.

Once they have their food and sit down, Arthur can't deny that the other patrons are watching them. They're probably wondering what a nice boy like Alfred is doing with a punk like Arthur. He can't listen to what Alfred is saying because he feels so many eyes burning into him. He reaches for his cigarettes to calm himself down, but remembers that he's somewhere where he can't smoke. He doesn't want to get Alfred in trouble either. He barely touches his sandwich, just fidgets and occasionally reaches for his pocket again. Still the eyes burn into him, wanting him to leave.

"Guess we better get going, huh?" Alfred perks up and Arthur hears him that time. He immediately stands and leaves the restaurant. Alfred follows shortly after and by then Arthur has pulled out a cigarette, the nicotine calming his frazzled nerves.

He walks with Alfred in silence until the younger boy pauses and Arthur turns to look at him. Alfred looks at the ground and bites his lip, then looks up with a beaming smile on his face.

"…sorry, Eyebrows!" he says cheerfully, but interrupts before Arthur can ask him what he's apologizing for. "See you later then!"

Arthur watches as Alfred runs and then disappears down another street. He tsks and hopes that that will teach Alfred not to ask him out anymore, but there's a nagging feeling in his chest, one that doesn't leave no matter what Arthur does.

* * *

The next day in school, Arthur decides it's a day when he'll go to classes. He's still got that nagging feeling and he needs something to distract him. He sits through class after class, calling out answers to questions he hasn't even studied for and causing the teacher to look confused as always. It's quite amusing to see his teachers so torn between wanting to throw him out of class and wanting him to stay because he's obviously brilliant, and Arthur will take what amusements he can get.

The feeling is almost gone, but then he sees Alfred on his way to science and it returns in spades. He ducks into the classroom and snaps at the student who tries to sit next to him at his lab table. Although it's not standard procedure, he is allowed to proceed with class without a lab partner.

He goes up to the roof to smoke after school, like always, and Alfred eventually comes up to meet him, as well.

"Hey, Eyebrows! Sorry to keep you waiting!" he exclaims and Arthur just rolls his eyes. That boy overestimates his importance in Arthur's schedule sometimes.

"Hey, listen… I won't be able to make it tomorrow, I've got something I need to do," he says after fidgeting for a moment.

Arthur feels like he'd just had the wind knocked out of him, but he quickly brushes it off and shrugs. "Why are you telling me this?"

"I just thought I'd tell you, so you don't wait around for me or anything," Alfred replies and there's no denying how very disappointed he sounds.

Arthur doesn't respond to that and just pulls out a fresh cigarette. He lights it up and takes a drag, but before he can put it back in his mouth, Alfred leans over and kisses him. Arthur raises an eyebrow in question as Alfred pulls away and smiles sheepishly. He expects that will be all, but then Alfred cups his cheek and Arthur stiffens, which gives Alfred ample opportunity to lean in and kiss him again. Arthur relaxes and kisses back, stubbing out his cigarette at his side.

Alfred is kissing him the way he would a girl. Softly, gently. It makes Arthur's chest ache in a way that bothers him, so he pushes Alfred back and kisses him properly. None of that gentle rubbish. He's satisfied when he feels Alfred's hands in his hair and he breaks the kiss.

He moves his mouth to Alfred's neck, where the marks he'd given him the day before are still there. He licks one particularly pronounced mark and smirks as Alfred shivers. Then he presses kisses to Alfred's neck, this time with no intentions of marking him.

"Arthur," Alfred chokes out and Arthur pulls away to look at him. He's so lovely looking when he's so disheveled like that, so very fuckable. He pushes Alfred to the ground and starts fumbling with the buttons on his shirt. He presses his face to Alfred's neck again and moves steadily towards his ear.

"I want you," he says hoarsely against Alfred's ear, though he doesn't realize he's said it out loud. He's too caught up in his lust and his thoughts of fucking Alfred that growing steadily hazier as Alfred makes those desperate noises that drive him so utterly mad.

* * *

He almost goes up to the roof after school ends on Friday, but stops when he remembers that Alfred won't be coming. There's no way in hell he's going home, not when he'd barely snuck out that morning without taking a beer bottle to the head from his hungover father, and he sees no point in doing anything criminal either.

Instead he wanders into town where he finds a newspaper (that just happened to be abandoned on someone's doorstep) and flips to the help wanted ads. Most jobs require a background check and a drug test, but there's probably something a delinquent like him could do. He also wanders through the commercial area of town, where he looks in store fronts for help wanted signs.

He could get a job to spend his time that he's not with Alfred more productively. He'd become a hard-working, upstanding citizen who could go into a fucking sandwich shop without feeling like he'd be run out of town. Then no one would think twice about him being with Alfred.

It's a stretch, a hilarious one, he knows, but he wouldn't mind having some money that he earned the honest way, so maybe he'd have something to talk to Alfred about. He's been wanting something more in his life since being with Alfred, anyway, and he's found that school can be a welcome distraction from his shitty life, so why can't a job do the same?

He keeps wandering the streets and waiting for something to catch his attention, and then it does. He sees Alfred across the street at a movie theatre, but he's not alone. There's a girl with him, and they both look happy, like they're having fun. Arthur's heart feels like it's being squeezed, and then that sensation is replaced with something much worse.

The thought of Alfred looking at someone else, _smiling_ at someone else like that, makes ugly, angry feelings bubble up inside him and all rational thoughts that they're not really in a relationship, so it doesn't matter what Alfred does are abandoned in favor of his rage. Alfred's not supposed to be with anyone but _him_. Across the street, Alfred finally notices him and looks a little frightened before he turns back to the girl and says something to her while scratching at his head. Arthur considers that girl very lucky that she's across the street in a public place when she stands on her tiptoes and kisses Alfred's cheek, but then she leaves.

Alfred finally runs across the street to meet him, but Arthur glares at him before he walks away. Alfred follows, which is just as well, because once they're down an alleyway, out of the public eye, Arthur turns and grabs Alfred to slam him against the nearby building.

"You're _mine_, do you hear me? You belong to _me_," he hisses and he's so blinded by his rage that he doesn't have time to react when Alfred suddenly grabs him and flips him around so he slams against the building the way he'd done to Alfred. He gasps at the impact.

"I don't 'belong' to _anyone_!" Alfred growls and he glares at Arthur. Arthur stares back with wide eyes, so shocked by Alfred's reaction that he can't do much of anything else. Alfred has never done anything like that before. Never gotten angry, never glared. He's always so warm and bright. Arthur feels his stomach lurch, knowing that he's the reason for Alfred's change.

Alfred finally releases him, looking shocked, and babbles something as he turns to leave. Arthur doesn't hear what Alfred is saying, he's only aware of the fact that Alfred is leaving. He doesn't want him to leave. He quickly grabs a hold of the other boy and pulls him into a kiss. Alfred struggles for a moment, but Arthur refuses to let go and backs up, pulling Alfred flush against him, effectively pinning himself against the building. Alfred breaks the kiss, looking bewildered, and all Arthur can do is stare back, breathing heavily. Alfred's Adam's apple bobs and then he leans forward to kiss Arthur again.

Arthur lets Alfred do what he wants, which means getting kissed like a girl again, only with Alfred holding his face in his hands. It's all so soft and tender that Arthur's chest aches again, although it's a much more intense ache this time.

"Alfred…" he breathes out without meaning to when said boy breaks the kiss again. He knows what the look on Alfred's face means. He's never called him by name before. It seems to steel Alfred's resolve, because Arthur finds his mouth covered in a rougher kiss.

That's enough to steel Arthur's resolve, as well, and so he reaches down and blindly starts fumbling with his trousers and the boxers beneath them. Alfred pulls away again, clearly anticipating when Arthur will flip them around and fuck Alfred against the building. His eyes widen when Arthur uses the lubricant instead to push his fingers inside himself, hissing slightly at how unused to the sensation he is. It's been a long time since anyone's fucked him.

"What are you doing?" Alfred asks, obviously shocked, and Arthur pulls him back into a kiss to shut him up.

_Ridiculous boy. Just enjoy it_, he thinks and when he's done stretching himself in preparation to be taken by Alfred, he sets to work on Alfred's pants, feeling that Alfred is indeed aroused even through his confusion. He continues to kiss Alfred as he fumbles with the condom, slipping it onto Alfred and causing the boy to break the kiss once more. He stares intently at Alfred as he pulls the boy forward and hoists himself up and bends his knees.

Alfred's eyelids flutter as Arthur takes him in, but he otherwise doesn't move. Arthur takes the lead and moves up and down, fucking himself on Alfred until finally the boy takes some initiative and moves on his own.

Technically speaking it's the worst sex he's ever had. Alfred is clumsy and awkward, even with Arthur guiding him through it, but that he's being so gentle and considerate (cradling his head from impacting with the building for one thing) makes it the most satisfying by far.

Making love, he thinks sardonically. As if such a thing is even possible. It's just Alfred being himself. A good person who doesn't want to hurt anyone, even someone who is constantly wronging him like Arthur.

"Alfred," he gasps as a shock of pleasure courses through him. Then Alfred's mouth goes slack and Arthur feels something warm inside him. Had it been anyone else, he would have ridiculed them for their lack of staying power, but it's Alfred, and he comes shortly after anyhow. Instead of crumpling to the ground, he finds himself in Alfred's arms and he gasps for breath against the boy's shoulder.

"Arthur, I lo-" Alfred starts to say, but Arthur kisses him to stop him from saying it. Instead of just relaxing into the kiss like he usually does, Alfred pushes Arthur back. Arthur stares into Alfred's blue eyes, which look so very sincere behind his slightly askew glasses.

"I love you, Arthur," he says firmly.

Arthur reacts instantaneously. A horrible panic rips through him and he thrashes out of Alfred's arms. In his panicked state he almost trips over his trousers as he haphazardly pulls them up and runs. He ignores Alfred's dismayed voice calling after him and just runs.

He doesn't stop running until his legs feel as if they'll collapse beneath him and his chest is so painfully on fire that he has no choice but to stop. Even then he takes great heaving breaths that offer no relief from the painful sensation in his chest.

I love you, Alfred had said. Alfred, who wouldn't lie about something that matters. Alfred _loves_ him. Alfred loves_ him_. Him. Worthless, unloved Arthur Kirkland, who has never done anything good in his life and will never amount to anything more than trash. He doubles over and retches, though nothing comes up. Still no relief.

It's not just that. He loves Alfred, too. Oh god, does he love him. _Has_ loved him for a very long time, probably since the very beginning. Love that hurts so much that he now realizes why he'd been choosing not to notice it. He lets out a noise that's somewhere between a scream and a growl as he tears at his hair and slams his head against the ground. The pain is fleeting, however, and then he's blinking away spots dotting his vision and feels what must be blood oozing down his temple.

He didn't want to believe it was possible. He had promised himself that he wouldn't ever get attached to anyone, because people will always let you down. Then came Alfred, warm as the sunshine, who had made his home in Arthur's heart. But he's detached from his emotions, a defense mechanism against the bitter realities of his fucked up life, so he never noticed that he had fallen in love. He never noticed that he's loved in return. After a lifetime of being told what a pathetic piece of trash he is.

That's still not all it is. Alfred may love him now, but he won't always. One day those feelings will die and Arthur will be left alone. That's what Arthur is most afraid of, the entire reason why he's always detached himself from any and all emotions. He can't imagine giving in to fleeting happiness and then getting burned for it. A taste of honey is worse than none at all, right?

Rage ripples through him and he stands up, only to slam his fist into a nearby car window. The glass doesn't break, but the alarm goes off, and he hears a window open above him. Someone is shouting something at him, but he doesn't know or care what. He just stares down at his hand, where some of his fingers are surely broken, and the blood trickling from a gaping wound and dripping onto the pavement below, even as the sound of sirens gets steadily closer.

* * *

"Did you really think that hiding behind a school uniform would make you less of a worthless punk? What were you planning to do?" his old friend the blond police officer repeats for what feels like the hundredth time in only twenty minutes.

"I believe I have already told you that I wasn't planning to do anything," Arthur replies, though it lacks any bite or conviction, as emotionally drained as he is.

"Don't give me that. You set off the alarm, someone witnessed you trying to break into that car. What were you planning to do?" the officer growls and stands up to slam his hands on the table. He so wants to catch Arthur in some sort of offense that will give him an excuse to throw the boy into a jail cell to rot, but as usual he won't have an easy time of it.

"I had no intentions of doing anything, _sir_," Arthur snaps back and finally looks up into the infuriated face of the policeman attempting to intimidate him.

"And just what is that?" the officer asks and motions to Arthur's chest.

He's referring to the telltale stain on his shirt, the one he hadn't bothered to hide. It's from being with the only person who has ever loved him, he wants to say, the only person who probably ever will love him.

Instead he stares down at his bloodied hand and knows that there's dried blood caked into his hair from when he'd slammed it against the pavement. He manages to lift his chin and smirk slightly at the officer.

"There truly is nothing quite like good old fashioned violence to get you off, don't you think?"

He can see the utter disgust on the officer's face as he pulls back and away. He looks close to hitting Arthur, but seems to think twice about it after such an admission. He yanks Arthur up by his collar and then opens the door to the interrogation room.

"You twisted little shit, get the fuck out of here," he barks and throws Arthur out.

He should confess to every crime he's ever committed. Maybe then they'll lock him up forever. He'll spend the rest of his life yearning for Alfred, but unable to go near him. A suitable punishment for ruining a good person's life.

Instead he skulks out of the police station, glaring murderously at anyone who dares to look at him. At first he pulls his jacket close around his body, but then he realizes that Alfred's smell still lingers there and he practically tears it off. In the first empty alleyway he finds he tosses the jacket on the ground, then uses his Zippo lighter to burn the damn thing.

He walks home, holding his injured hand in the other and trying to keep his mind blank, especially from thoughts of Alfred, with poor results. When he finally gets there, his eldest brother immediately descends upon him demanding money.

"Fuck you," he hisses and slams the bathroom door in the bastard's face, ignoring the angry yells and banging against the door. He slips his injured hand under some water, washing away the blood to reveal the wound he'd given himself. His fingers probably really are broken, but he's too well versed in making makeshift splints. He sets his fingers and pulls the bandages with his teeth as he fixes up his hand as best he can.

His little money is predictably stolen when he finally leaves the bathroom, and he gets a black eye on top of everything else for his trouble, but he doesn't really care anymore.

He switches into a different set of clothes and bunches up the school uniform, knowing he won't be needing it or wanting it ever again. He takes it out back and uses his Zippo lighter on that, as well. He watches the uniform slowly turn into little more than a pile of blackened ash, as if he hopes it will also burn the last remnants of Alfred from his mind and heart.

* * *

It's a futile effort. Alfred is everywhere, in everything that Arthur does. He can't smoke because then he thinks that Alfred should be sitting next to him chatting about his day. He can't drink because then he starts babbling about how he misses him. He can't even sleep because then he just starts dreaming about Alfred.

Usually he's able to detach himself from his shitty reality, purposely not notice how terrible his life really is. But now he can't deny that he's utterly miserable without Alfred. There's a gaping hole where Alfred should be, babbling like an idiot, smiling that sunshine warm smile, being near him, loving him.

He's completely ruined.

He stops smoking and drinking completely, and for awhile the horrible withdrawal and sleep deprivation distracts him from the ache in his heart, but even that is only temporary. There is simply no escaping it.

He misses Alfred and he'll just have to live with it. That good life he'd been trying to find for himself is just a hopeless dream, something he'd been fooling himself into believing. Once a punk, always a punk. He almost wants to find Gilbert, but he doesn't want to admit that that asshole was right. He ruined Alfred and ruined himself in the process.

But life has to go on.

He dives face first back into his deviant life, and at first things seem to go as usual. He takes up smoking and drinking again, both a comfort after going without, and he starts stealing again. He takes money and possessions that he sells for money, which he uses to buy drugs to relax him and in the hopes of taking his mind off Alfred.

But one day he swipes the bag from a stupid biddy who is too busy squawking into her mobile to notice that she's been robbed. Rifling through the contents reveals a list: the woman's birthday shopping list. Arthur wonders if Alfred would have ever started hinting that he wanted to buy Arthur a birthday gift if they were still together. The thought frustrates Arthur and he replaces the bag without taking anything on the woman's shoulder, who still doesn't notice that anything is amiss.

From then on Arthur can't really bring himself to indulge in his usual habits. Serious crimes like burning down more buildings full of corruption are out of the question, and even the petty crimes make him feel empty, like Alfred is somewhere watching him and disapproving.

He winds up back at that church he'd visited with Gilbert so long ago and he lights another candle for Alfred, still hoping that if God is really there that he'll have mercy on Alfred's soul, because it was never his fault, just Arthur's.

He leaves so frustrated that he wants to scream. He hasn't had sex in months, because although he could easily find a partner, he still doesn't want anyone but Alfred. Even now he won't be with anyone but that boy. He stumbles into the first public toilet he can find and into the nearest stall, where he immediately reaches into his pants.

"Alfred," he gasps as he pumps himself, conjuring up images of what Alfred looks like, what he feels like, what he sounds like, to push himself over the edge. He starts to gasp out Alfred's name again as he comes, but he bites sharply down on his lip as he hears voices outside the stall. He watches the milky white fluid ooze down the wall as he waits for the men's voices to steadily fade as they leave the toilet, then he shakily pulls himself together. This is what he's been reduced to. Wanking off to thoughts of Alfred in a public toilet. It's then that he realizes how truly pathetic he is.

He can't go on like this.

* * *

Alfred has probably moved on, it's been months, after all. He's probably with that girl now, happy in a normal relationship. Which is fine. He just needs to see for himself that Alfred has moved on and is happy, then he can go on being miserable without him.

So he returns to the suburbs he's been avoiding since the day he'd last seen Alfred. The eyes of the people he passes are still as disdainful as ever, but rather than fan the fire, Arthur just keeps walking. He's not here to rile anyone up, just see Alfred. Then he'll be gone from their precious sanctuary forever.

He sees Gilbert for the first time in months, but he's shocked to find Gilbert with his brother, the person he'd been so desperate to distance himself from. Gilbert is laughing about something and his brother looks exasperated, but there's no denying the fondness in both of their expressions. Gilbert is a rotten, horrible person and his brother still has room in his heart to accept him back. Even Gilbert.

Perhaps then, Arthur thinks, maybe even a worthless person like him deserves a little happiness, too.

Arthur leaves them without a word, so that neither ever notices that he was there.

Despite his fears that he'll run across Alfred hand in hand with that girl from the theatre, he instead finds him alone on the way to the library. Still so bright and dangerous to look at. He starts to call out to him, but his throat seizes and he freezes. Alfred also pauses and then turns to look at him. Arthur takes a shaky breath and steps forward again.

He feels like shit and he knows he looks like shit, too, but Alfred's eyes still light up at the sight of him and then he rushes forward.

"Arthur!" he cries out and quickly closes the distance. Arthur takes a step backwards when Alfred gets too close and the younger boy stops short. The smile fades from his face, but only for an instant and then it's back again in full force.

"I thought I'd never see you again! I was so afraid that I'd never get the chance to make things up to you and that you hated me and…and…" he babbles, but Arthur isn't really listening.

Now that he's with Alfred again, he can't believe how he'd managed to stay oblivious to his feelings that whole time. How he could have not noticed how much his heart aches just being near Alfred? He doesn't realize he's staring until he notices that Alfred has stopped talking and is staring at him, as well.

He clears his throat and looks away guiltily as he says, "I'm sorry, Arthur. I just… Can we just forget that…that happened and go back to the way things were before?"

Go back…no, there's no going back. He doesn't _want_ to go back. There's no way Arthur can pretend that he doesn't know how much he loves this person before him. But that Alfred would even consider it…

"No," he replies. Alfred nods, but the dismay is evident in his expression. How can Alfred truly be so upset over losing a relationship that is as twisted as theirs had been?

"I…" he starts to say, but then Alfred looks at him and the words die in his throat. He gulps in air and clamps his mouth shut.

_I love you. I love you and it scares me. Nothing scares me._

He wants to say it, but he's still afraid of what it will mean if he does, how very vulnerable it will make him. He could kiss Alfred, but his kisses have no meaning to them. Empty gestures of lustful intent that might give Alfred the wrong idea that they really will return to old habits. He has to say something, anything to convey what he feels. He closes his eyes so he doesn't have to see Alfred watching him.

"I want to be with you," he finally chokes out, the words feeling strange and foreign on his tongue, and then he opens his eyes again, half hoping that Alfred will look disgusted, or maybe just sad that Arthur is finally admitting to something he can no longer have.

But Alfred looks so happy at the admission, so happy that tears are forming in his eyes, and then Arthur sucks in a breath as he finds himself crushed in a hug. He's unable to return the gesture.

"I want to be with you, too!" Alfred cries happily and Arthur can feel his heart beating rapidly, knowing that his own heart is doing the same.

For all their kisses and for all the sex, this simple hug is probably the most intimate gesture of their entire relationship. In Alfred's arms he is caught, trapped, but it's where he wants to be. Loved by a beautiful person who deserves so much better, but is willing to give him a chance.

"I'll end up hurting you," he says quietly, pleading his case one last time.

"I'm a pretty tough guy," Alfred replies shakily, laughing slightly. His mind is made up, and he's decided on Arthur.

_One day you'll stop loving me_, Arthur thinks, but doesn't voice. He knows what Alfred will say. No, of course not, Alfred will love him forever. Words he wants to hear, but won't permit himself to believe. All he can do is let go, trust that Alfred will catch him, love him until the day he finally realizes that there's so much more he can get in life and leave Arthur behind. A day Arthur hopes is far in the future.

Alfred pulls him closer and Arthur can feel him smiling widely against his neck. So happy. Happy to be with _him_. His eyes slide closed and he finally lets his arms shift up and around the larger form holding him.

Alfred is warm, like always.


End file.
